Both of you are bringing up very good points. So, to put it like this:
- while I was in school, getting a GF was like my very last concern; I was way too busy trying to give my best and learn
- when I was in like the 7th grade, I got my first crush for a girl - almost a year older, but both of us were colleagues for some private classes
- after almost an entire year of being hesitant, I decided to finally tell her what I feel - in short, it did not end well, as it went into basically her leaving the conversation under the pretext of "I am busy, need to solve something"
- we have never spoken since
- in high school, I continued to be just as interested in learning, even with whatever BS the teachers throw at you (Romanian education system, oh you magnificent being)
- colleagues around me started asking me why I am not bothering with getting a GF (I was already 16-17), and my simple answer was "I do not feel bothered to do so"
- in the end, I got at best to be good friend with some of the girls in my class who helped me a lot especially after I moved up to make my accommodation easier, and at least got myself a group of friends
- whenever I was looking at a girl and was thinking "she looks good", most of the time it happened that she already had a partner
- actually, one girl apparently got a crush on me; however, she was two years younger (I was in the 11th grade, and she was a fresh(wo)man), and the whole thing was shared
- I was fine with her as simply a buddy I could talk to about matters like history (unlike other girls, she really seemed to be curious to learn new things, and wanted to find out about the history of the town - she was coming from another place when we met)
- what initially started as me giving her history meditations ended u as totally not dates, which I realized way too late
- when she wanted to pull her move, and I was still too oblivious to what she was intending to do, especially since I was not really interested, we had an argument, and did not speak to each other for more than half a year
- afterwards, I was told that I basically dodged a bullet with her as she was apparently a bit out of her mind; but I think it was better for both of us as in the end I got well over high school, and she moved again, this time managing to achieve one of her dreams (publishing a book she kept telling me about)
[Intermission - how 2020, the pandemic and 2 months of lockdown have messed my mind]
- in the late autumn of 2019, I got my first graphic novel
- I really liked the story, but the main attraction for me was the protagonist - a Russian immigrant girl called Anya
- I though she looks cute (really liked the design), then after a while I started asking myself in disgust if I got my first fictional crush (apparently, this is a thing in the United States, and t happens to kids when watching cartoons?)
- ever since, I also got such a feeling while in the quarantine that was early 2020 related to a character called Tari from the web series Meta Runner
- combined with the loneliness and lack of proper contact with others until the lockdown was over, I start to think whether any serious change took place in my mind at the time (it was also that I recently turned 18, merely a few days after lockdown started)
- in the end, I found Touhou towards the end of 2020, and ever since I am stuck into this rabbit whole of a series filled with cute or badass designs and tons of awesome fan-art
- now that I got into my first year of college, I started to feel more and more alone and isolated from anyone else
- online courses seem to be dragging on and on, and I cannot meet anyone as everyone from my generation has left the town
- I would go visit them, but that would mean a 4 (now 5 or more) hours commute from my small province town to Bucharest, the capital
- it just made me feel more and more alone, as I really miss going out with people and having a chat
- to make it worse, my best friend, who I really used to spend a lot of time with, is no longer an option; nowadays, I am lucky if we manage to chat once a week, as he is also very busy with preparing his own entrance at university (Medicine, so a lot of stress), and wants to make sure he will pass the entry exams; therefore, no more time to chat with me and his generation friends (he is one year younger)
So yeah, this is a bit more of a proper content about what is going on with me. And why I feel like not very sure what I actually want, what I feel/impulse that I want, and what I am actually missing. And seeing messages and discussions that basically my whole way of living is wrong does not help at all. Like I felt perfectly fine until now with how I am and what I prefer to focus on, but it feels like a sudden change has taken place and made me reconsider my values and things I like.
As on the whole matter of "waifus" and whatever since I originally said liking Touhou might be like a women-repellant thing (especially since it is not like I was called a weeb for liking Touhou, despite me never having watched an anime or read a manga in my life), I got to remember about this little thing I was reading a couple years ago on 1d4chan: